“You never realise how lonley you are until it’s the end of the day and you’ve got a bunch of things to talk about and no-one to talk to”
Things change. Moving on is a part of life. It would be weird if people didn’t. Growth, development, is needed so you can be a living, breathing human being who can function in society. But knowing that it will come doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes it can be fast, life moving on without you getting a chance to process. Sometimes it can be slow, struggling to move from second to second.
Today has been tough.
I’m currently facing that battle, but to be honest I don’t know what I’m feeling. Within a couple of weeks I’ve lost some of my closest friends, they’ve moved on to continue their graduate life. But I’m still here. I’ve spent 4 years at University doing my degree, and am about to start a 5th year. I know it’s the right choice to stay and do a MSc, that it will benefit me down the line, but it doesn’t help me right now. Maybe I’m just feeling lonley, maybe thats the right word to describe how I feel.
Everything is changing. Today I said goodbye to one of my friends that I’ve grown close to in a short amount of time. He’s leaving for a year to do a stint in the Navy, but then he’ll be back to his MSc. But what’s life going to be like a year from now? We could be totally different people. Our roles could be reversed, I could be leaving the city I love to find a job. I thought all this would be ok, that I could keep in contact with people that I have grown to care about.
I thought that this time last year, but now I struggle to hear anything back from ‘friends’ that still llive in the same city as me. Is it because I’m chronically ill? Is it because I’m meantally ill? Who knows, hell, I probably won’t. I know that communication is a two way street, but sometimes that doesn’t ease the overwhelming guilt I feel. It doesn’t stop the anxious thoughts that invade my brain. Is it because I talk openly about being sick? Is it because I have a dark sense of humor regarding my health? Do I confide my worries in such a manner that percieves them as any less strong? Do I just make people as awkward as I feel when I walk into a room? Is that why people aren’t talking to me? Do they hate me? Or am I just being completely irrational, is this just caused by my mental health issues?
Now, please don’t misunderstand, I am a confident human being. But that takes a sinister turn when you get diagnosed with an anxiety disorder like I have recently.
It’s hard to battle these thoughts on any given day, but I’m trying. But with all this change ongoing, its hard to fight against the current. To rise above it, because I know it’s wrong. But recognising you have a problem is only half the battle. Sometimes I think this stage is harder. Knowing that your ill. Knowing that you should be doing better. Knowing that you’re being irrational. But not having the coping mechanisms to correct your thought pattern. Having a good day, being able to cope, just to be suffocated with self doubt the next. I think now, now is the time where people have to decide if they want to commit to recovery. Commit? it sounds like the wrong word to use, right? But recovery is a commitment. Just like any relationship, in needs commitment, confidence, care, and love in order to prosper.
The commitment can be supported by others close to you, but ultimately it just depends on you alone continuing to fight the demons that plague your mind. I should probably clarify something before people jump to conclusions – I do not mean that if you just ‘think positive’ you can cure mental illness. That is no way, shape or form of the truth. In a roundabout way, what I am talking about is having a support network. Having someone to reach out to, someone to call if things are getting bad.
But what happens if your support netweork disappears within a blink of an eye? Who do you call? Who will answer the phone? I guess whats needed is to… move on. Start building a new network of friends, seeing who decides to give back as much as you give them. Welcome to change, welcome to being an adult.
“It’s better to have nobody than to have someone who doesn’t want to be there”